1. When they’re really really tired they stay awake longer and cry. All I want to do when I’m tired and someone puts my head on a pillow is sleep. In fact I can’t think of anything I’d rather NOT do when I’m tired, than stay awake balling my eyes out and rubbing snot into my eye balls. Fools.

2. They make REALLY LOUD noises. Like proper ear splitting ones. And they’re really small, with small child-sized mouths and lungs. How is this humanly possible?

3. They expand in size to fill the space of any bed they are sleeping in. You go to sleep in a queen/double/king-size bed and you wake up at 4am hanging off the edge, with a cricked back and creases in your face next to a four year old occupying the WHOLE space who seems to have grown 6 extra limbs. Annoying, and yet enviously impressive.

4. They have the ability to turn their bones into jelly at their request. Try putting a tantrum-ing toddler into a buggy and you will discover that they are actually able to morph into jelly at the drop of a hat, thus rendering the act of placing child into buggy completely impossible (and somewhat embarrassing when you’re in the middle of a crowded Early Learning Centre.)

5. They are born knowing how to turn an ipad on. Perhaps its all the pregnancy apps we keep using filtering in utero, but they 100% come out demanding the Duplo app and automatically knowing how to play it. Skillz.

6. They can poo more than they eat. You think they’re done, and then they sing and chat and ask questions and quote the entire script of Frozen. You assume they MUST be messing about, but no, they really are crapping the whole time. You’re not sure whether to gross out or take a photo and submit to Guinness World Records.

7. They can spot an ice cream van from a 200 mile radius. You’re mid-chat debating who really IS the strongest power ranger, when you think nothing can distract this philosophical and world-changing discussion, when – they’re off. Bolting towards an ice-cream van in the far distance. As hard as you try to squint you literally can’t see it. But it’s there all right and that van wants and will get your money.

8. You can’t get them in the bath….And then can’t get them out. I DON’T WANT A BATH! You’re having a bath, get in! ….. Right time to get out. I DON’T WANT TO GET OUT! Um, I’m pretty sure you have confliction issues you need to address.

9. They never get bored of the same books. Despite finding countess ways to keep them entertained and busy each day, when it comes to bedtime they wheel out the same old crap time and time again. You think it would be humanely impossible for someone to stomach three rounds of ‘Dig Dig Digging’ every night for 2 years. Apparently not. Goodbye sanity.

10. They make you cry at the weirdest times. They are strange, they do things that confuse you, they exhaust you, drain you and occupy every ounce of your energies, and then they put on a Gruffalo dressing gown, tell you they think your earrings are beautiful and your flip flops look like super hero shoes and instantly reduce you to tears in mili-seconds. Weird.

God love um’.

E x