This is an abstract post that came watching Phoenix fall asleep in my arms this evening. Not my usual witty mutterings but hope you enjoy…
Sometimes I find myself thinking about my labour. Not about the pain or the drama or being in hospital, but about how I felt and the experience between Ben and me, Phoenix and me. And the experience between me and me.
I was so excited. 9 months of waiting. 9 months of growing a little person inside my tummy and god knows how many hours of contracting and pushing and finally I would meet him and see his little face. Is there anything more exciting? Anything as emotionally driven? I don’t think anything can come close to that feeling and that is why I miss my labour.
A few momentary hours where you go from being just you, to being a mum. Teetering on a cliff edge that you’ll never go back to standing on: after these last few moments of labour that’s it. Mum. Mummy. Mumma. Mother. I’ve never wanted to jump more.
That moment when you hear the cry, when they place him on your chest. Wow. He’s here, we’ve done it. Hello. Oh my god, we made you. I’ve been waiting so long to meet you. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect. What was it like in there?! I love you. I will never let anything hurt you. Could you see in there?! You’re so so gorgeous. Are you hungry? I’ve bought you a vest to wear with a sausage dog on it. Do you like dogs? Nothing is more important to me than you. I don’t know if you like dogs yet, neither do you. I don’t know anything about you yet, but I will. I can’t wait. I love you.
Sometimes I want to go back and feel that just once more, that buzz, that excitement, that moment where the whole world stands still and you are oblivious to everything else around you. You don’t need to be anywhere. You don’t need to do anything. You only have to think about your new baby, your amazing new baby. I wish I’d indulged more in the moment, I wish I’d somehow recorded how I felt in more detail, I wish I could remember more, I feel like I’m forgetting too much too soon. I’m glad I have this blog, I’m glad you are there listening 🙂
It was amazing, it is what life is all about. He is amazing. He is now over 8 months, he climbs furniture. He likes to be chased and laughs when you catch him. His favourite things are remotes and wires (he is allowed neither, it’s a ongoing battle). He is desperate to walk. He can eat a yoghurt faster than you can get it on the spoon. He is gorgeous.
He can do all these and he has only been here 8 months. I love him. And that is why I miss my labour, because it’s the moment when things changed forever. It’s the moment it became all about him. It’s the greatest moment of my life so far.