Phoenix turned 2 a few weeks ago.

I mean, seriously, what the hell?! Two?! What?! Surely it wasn’t that long a go since I was on here complaining about feeling like a milked dairy cow. Time actually does speed up when you have a kid, it’s an actual hard fact. Fact. It really does and one day I will put on a white coat and do some sort of experiment to prove it and then I will laugh, laugh like an evil scientist and I know I’ll have been right all along, fooled by the lords of time!… I’ve always kinda thought I could rock the white coat look, you know thick glasses a smoking test tube looking all smug and that? Maybe not. Better stick to my marketing career. Ah yes, marketing, excellent, convincing people they need more consumer goods. Get them now, go and get those goods. You need them! Consume! Quick! See, I’m much better at that aren’t I?

Sorry. Let me start again. Brace yourself, I think having a break from blogging is a bit like having a break from drinking. A few sentences can be likened to a glass of wine and weeeeeeeee you’re off. Can’t shut up. See? See? See? Hmmmm yes you get the picture. So lets start again…

So now we have toddler. A real live toddler, and my god he’s an absolute beaut! He gets it from his dad of course (it’s not cool to take the credit you know). He talks a lot. He gets that from, um, yes anyway, he talks A LOT. It’s pretty insane, you can have a whole conversation with him. His subject areas are limited but it’s wild times when they start talking it really is, all those little things rattling around their brain boxes.  VERY cute. I know I always say this but I think this is my favourite time. Apart from the fact he’s just the cutest thing ever, I like it when the real skills come. Like how he can jump from things and land with two feet like a gymnast, or how he can remember things and read  along with his books. It’s COOL and totally amazing. Humans are cool. A typical conversation generally goes like this:

P: Mummy?

E: Yes Phoenix

P: Can I go to the park mummy?

E: Well, it’s 6.30am, shall we have some cheerios first and just wake up a bit?

P: Shall I put my shoes on then mummy? Shall I get mummy’s shoes, mummy?

E: No. You need to have your breakfast, and then watch postman pat and then brush your teeth. Actually you’re quite busy so lets just chill out for a bit shall we?

P: Hmph. Mummy?

E: Yes

P: Mummy, I love my Cheerios

E: Well that’s lucky as you’re about to get a whole bowl!

P: And then shall we go to the castle?

E: Later

P: And then shall we go to the swimming pool?

E: Later yes

P: Does sleepy Z want cheerios?

E: Ask him, does he?

P: Yes. And does Elmo want cheerios?

E: Well he has his mouth permanently open so probably

P: Yes. Mummy?

E: Yes Phoenix

P: I got a big willy mummy and then I play with my digger at the park

E: Excellent for you.

So whilst being totally amazing and gorgeous to be a part of talking does have it’s draw backs…sometimesImage he’s just too clever for his own good. He can’t be fooled any more, long gone are the days when you can put something off until ‘later’ and not follow it through. Oh no, he will take you down if you try that one. And there’s no ‘private’  anymore, not there ever really has been with him on the scene, but there’s less chance of doing anything in peace these days. He’s right in there, he just pops up:

P: ‘What you doing’ mummy?

E: ‘Erm, mummy needs to shave her legs’

P: Yes. Mummy shaves. Like Daddy.

E: No mummy doesn’t shave like daddy.

P: Daddy poos

E: Yes daddy definitely poos

P: Everybody poos!!

E: Excellent. Can you go downstairs now.

I have noticed that being a toddler mum is different to being a baby mum. If you look around a shopping centre you will observe the differences quite clearly. Baby mums move slower, they look more tired but they have a nice glow around them, like they’re in an untouchable bubble, a stressful but also comfortingly intense bubble. Then there’s toddler mums, they move much quicker, the buggies are much more whizzy than a pram and they zoom around corners in a whirl of snacks and snotty tissues. Always in a rush, never time to stop and mooch and can’t get past a bloody ‘ride’ without having to stop let toddler child climb all over it and then claim it’s ‘still broken’ for the 22nd week in a row (luckily they’re not that clever…yet). But with the speed and the busyness comes laughter and joy….bleugh. Sorry tried to balance it out but I can’t, there is NO joy when I’m in a shopping centre with Phoenix. ‘I want to go the toy shop. I want to go to the toy shop’ – when the hell did that start creeping in? Damn you marketeers with your clever enticement tricks, damn it, that’s me again isn’t it? Bugger.

So here’s a few toddler mum survival tactics. I have a two year old for all of a few weeks now so I’m fairly sure that makes me an expert, or at least ‘relevant’, enjoy!!

1. If he asks, your toddler boy is always spiderman. No need to worry about identity issues just yet.

2. An apple is a treat. A banana is a treat. A yoghurt is a treat. Everything is a treat. If everything is a treat, how can there be treats when he screams for a treat?! Confusion concerns? Ahem, let’s tackle those a few blogs down…

3. Toddlers play, all day. That’s what they do. Do not dress them like they are going to a party at a dolls house.

4. There is no such thing as having ‘too many cars’. Period.

5. Leaving the naughty step will mean you will instantly eaten by crocodiles. Fact.

6. Never get onto public transport without at least 3 snacks. The power of three. Always at least three.

7. The shape sorter is now boring. Face it mum.

8. Licking Play Dough is a suitable compromise to eating it.

9. You can find many clips on You Tube of diggers. Seriously. Even ‘dancing ones’

10. Kisses and cuddles should be enforced regularly. You will not grow out of cuddles. Nope, no way mr.